War and Space Read online

The Space Cowboys Complaints

  We, the space cowboys of the interstellar exploration ship ‘Highway to Heaven’, are not happy. We generally like it on board our vessel, and our Cows like it as well. The Cows are specially bred Jersey Cattle. They are the most docile and intelligent cows in the universe. But when the ship was trying to avoid the alien beam weapon and missile we were all sloshing around in the acceleration tanks. Just imagine what it is like to be with a herd of Cows in water for hours while the ship is accelerating at 6 g and changing course erratically.

  We understand that Cattle are too big to take high accelerations so they have to be immersed in water while the ship takes evasive action.

  We like our captain; he is very approachable and reasonable. When we told him the problem and asked if he could guarantee that there would be no violent evasive action when we go back to the aliens, he could not give us the assurance we needed. We took him up on his offer to not go on the ship this voyage. Now we are looking after our Space Cows on a farm in Victoria.

  All our Cows were born in space. They suffer from agoraphobia; we have to be with them all the time to keep them from panicking. And they miss our regular sessions in the acceleration tanks. We have to go in the farm dam with them for an hour each day. It’s cold in Victoria this time of the year so we wear wet suits.

  We explained to the neighbours what we are doing, but passers by give us very strange looks.